Update February 5, 2018
By now, I am sure you have heard of Gary Chapman’s relationship-changing book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. If you have read the book, great! If not, I would highly recommend it. It is a game-changer, folks. A total relationship game-changer.
If you are single, married, dating, parenting kids, a devoted friend, a boss, or a coworker; The Five Love Languages can help you foster healthier more meaningful relationships.
The idea of the Five Love Languages is that we each feel loved differently. Love does not come in a one size fits all package. Gary Chapman believes that unhappiness in a relationship often has a simple cause: we speak different love languages.
The Five Love Languages are:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
This post is NOT meant to be a replacement for the book. There is a wealth of knowledge and inspiration in Mr. Chapman’s book that is necessary for understanding the Five Love Languages and how to speak them. This post is meant to give you some solid examples of how to express your loved one’s love language.
WHAT IS YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE?
You can find your love language by taking the quiz HERE. Remember to answer honestly. Come on back when you finish. I will be right here waiting!
. . . . (insert Jeopardy Theme Song) . . . .
Oh good! You're Back! So you have your Love Language. What is it? I score through the roof on Words of Affirmation. My second highest is Physical Touch. The whole idea of Love Languages fascinates me and has changed so many of my relationships for the better. Comment below and let me know yours!
The Five Love Languages are NOT just for people in relationships. Mr. Chapman has a book for singles, a book designed for men, a book about the love languages of children, and a book about the love languages of Teenagers. There is even a five-love language for military families and the five languages of appreciation at the workplace. At the end of this post, I include all of these resources for you.
So again . . . this isn’t just about Embracing Love in a romantic relationship. It’s about Embracing Love, Feeling Loved, and Giving Love. . . PERIOD.
WHAT DO THEY MEAN?
The five ways we feel love each manifest differently. Each one requires practice to be able to speak fluently.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Words of Affirmation uses words to affirm people. It is my primary love language. My heart soars when my son runs up to me and says, "You are the best Momma." When my husband says that he loves dinner and I am a great cook, he deposits in my "love tank." (You have to read the book!)
If the person you love is a Words of Affirmation they need:
A Listening Ear
If the person you love is a Words of Affirmation they don’t need:
The assumption that they know how loved they are.
The assumption that they know how good they are.
The assumption that they know you are proud of them.
Not appreciating or recognizing their efforts
Emotionally harsh words.
Quality Time is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. If Quality TIme is your loved one's language, they want your full/phone down attention. They want to look you in the eyes and talk to you. They want to experience something new with you.
If the person you love needs QUALITY TIME they need:
Uninterrupted and focused conversations.
Time together even if it is just running errands.
Your whole attention.
If the person you love is QUALITY TIME, this is what they don’t need:
Long periods of being apart.
Spending time with anyone but each other.
Long periods without one-on-one time.
Physical touch is my secondary love language. Physical touch is most often confused with “sex.” While intimacy is a part of it, those who feel loved by physical touch can feel loved with a simple hand hold.
My son is only eight, and I’m sure his love languages will change as he grows up, but at this time, physical touch is one of his. He cannot start his day until he gives me a hug and a kiss. He likes to cuddle on the couch to watch a movie. If he is playing for an extended period, he stops and comes over to hug me. I hope he never grows out of that Love Language if I am being honest!
If the person you love needs PHYSICAL TOUCH they need:
Non-verbal body language to emphasize love.
Non-sexual touch that reinforces your presence.
Lots of simple hugs, hand-holding, and gentle touches.
If the person you love is PHYSICAL TOUCH this is what they don’t need:
Long periods without intimacy
Coldly giving affection
Any physical abuse
For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift. For others, giving gifts is a way they show their love.
This was my dad.
Before he died, my dad showed love through giving gifts. My dad used to work in New York City. One day on his way to work, he found a small, blue plastic dog bone in the middle of the street. It was about the size of a finger. He picked it up and put it in his pocket.
When he got home, he gave this little gift to my mom and said, “Honey, you will always be bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. My mom broke down crying as if he gave her a diamond necklace. To this day, she keeps that dirty little plastic dog bone in her jewelry box as one of her most prized possessions.
If your loved one feels love through RECEIVING GIFTS, they need:
Making your spouse a priority.
Gifts on Special Occasions.
If your loved one feels love through RECEIVING GIFTS, they don’t need:
Forgetting special occasions.
Dutiful, unenthusiastic gift giving.
Materialism. Giving gifts is not about the most expensive things. A flower picked from a rose bush can mean everything in the world to someone who receives love through gifts.
ACTS OF SERVICE
If your loved one speaks acts of service, your actions speak louder than your words.
Although Acts of Service is not my primary love language, my husband speaks it so well. If I am sick, he will cook, take care of Asher, and do anything to make my life easier. If I am going to be working late, he continually checks to see if I need anything. He will bring me drinks or snacks, and just do his best to make my life easier. He shows such love through this love language, and I adore him for it.
If your loved one feels love through ACTS OF SERVICE, they need:
Assisting with chores.
Ongoing help with housework.
Helpful partners who are with them no matter what.
Someone who will go out of their way to elevate their workload.
If your loved one feels love through ACTS OF SERVICE, they don’t need:
Lack of follow through.
Making work more important that your loved one.
Making someone else’s to-do’s more important than your loved one.
Ignoring requests for help.
These are the basics of the Five Love Languages. Again, to really dig deeper into each of these languages and how they work, read Gary Chapman’s Book.
Steven and I speak the same love languages, and that is an absolute blessing. It is relatively easy to show love to each other; whether we do it or not on a regular basis is a different story! It is always something that we are working on; putting each other before ourselves.
I put together this beautiful e-book with some fun and practical ways to speak The Five Love Languages. Download it. Print it out. And learn to speak your loved one language fluently, often, and with great love!
YOUR TURN: What are your favorite ways to speak your loved ones Love Languages?